Self-judgment and Shame: Looking “at” rather than “from”

We already have a pretty good idea of what it’s like to look “from” a place of self- judgment. Assuming that these thoughts and feelings have a tendency to stick around even when we’ve worked on them quite a bit, we might want to try a different strategy – choosing intentionally to look “at” the self-judgment to see if this changes our relationship with it.

This is a more advanced exercise because it’s always possible to get caught back in looking “from”. So I recommend doing it for a specific brief timespan, similar to a mindfulness exercise – no more than five minutes at a time. I also recommend doing this exercise in writing, like a journal, as this keeps things on track.

Process

The basic idea is to pick a question and reflect on it, and notice how you respond to it. This means noticing thoughts, feelings and body sensations in the present moment. Then make a very brief note of specific thoughts (e.g. “I’m having the thought that….”), the emotional tone (e.g. “sad”) and the specific place in the body where this shows up. Don’t write a novel unless you’re a novelist!

Sample Questions for Reflection

Pick out a few of these questions for each session – don’t try to do them all.

  • Am I automatically blaming myself or someone else for what is happening or happened?
  • What am I afraid might happen if I were to drop my self-judgment, even if only temporarily?
  • Is there some part of me that is blaming me for what I’m feeling or thinking? Does this part of me have my best interests at heart?
  • Is there a part of me that is feeling blamed or judged? If so, what might that side tell me if I were to listen to it? Can it be allowed to have a voice?
  • Did I hurt or injure someone with something I recently did? If so, what might I need to learn about that? Is there something to make amends for? Do I need to forgive myself?
  • Am I believing that it would be bad or wrong to let go of blaming myself or let go of judging myself? If so, what am I afraid would happen if I were to stop judging myself?
  • Is there something in me that thinks I deserve the bad things that happen to me? Does this part of me have my best interests at heart?
  • Is there part of me that feels like forgiving myself would be condoning something harmful and that I’ll then do it again? What does this say about what I need to learn?
  • Is there some part of me that believes if I forgive myself that I will never improve? That there’s no hope for controlling some part that I don’t like?
  • What would I have to feel or experience that’s difficult if I let go of self-blame?
  • If I stop blaming myself what would I have to open to that’s difficult?
  • What is my mind trying to communicate to me through self-judgment? What is the message underlying the judgment?
  • What stands between me and offering support to myself in this difficult time? What might I feel if I talked to the part of me that was hurting and said, “’I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” or “Forgiven…. forgiven.”?
  • To what extent does my judgment match with my values?
  • Do I ever use self-judgment as a way to avoid taking responsibility, achieve adesired goal, or get someone else to take care of me?
  • How does my self-judgment impact my relationships?
  • Am I keeping my self-judgments a secret? If so, where did I get the idea that keeping my self-judgments secret is a helpful way to live?
  • To what extent do I reveal my judgments or shame to others? What prevents me from talking about this with another person?
  • Is there a part of me that feels small, judged, scared or condemned? If so, what does that part of me need from me?
  • Am I telling myself that I need my self-criticism or harsh judgment for motivation? Is it possible that there might be other ways of interacting with myself that could be more motivating?
  • Am I afraid I will feel guilty if I do something caring or kind for myself?
  • Do I believe that letting myself off the hook for something will mean I am selfish or immoral?
  • Did I actually do anything wrong here according to my own values? If not, what might I need to learn in relation to what I am feeling? If so, who do I need to admit my wrongdoing to? Myself? Someone else?
  • How open am I to considering that I might be wrong about my judgments of myself?
  • Am I condemning myself for a mistake I made in the past? What are my expectations or predictions of what might happen if I were to “let myself off the hook” for this situation? What do I fear would the outcome if I tried a new behavior?

After the Exercise

This can be quite a challenging exercise at first, so it’s important to take it slowly. You may find that you feel better afterwards but you also may not. You may also find some resistance showing up. This is quite normal – it’s really about exercising a new type of perspective-taking that will get easier with practice. After the exercise, try to engage in some practice of self-compassion, either through a mindfulness exercise or some other self-care activity.